Confidence vs. Arrogance: Navigating Success When You're Still Learning
Part 1 of the "Leading from Where You Are: Personal Leadership Development" Series
"I don't want to be the problem. I don't want to look bad. But I also don't want to be left unprepared."
This internal dialogue came from a client who had just received recognition for successfully managing a complex project. Instead of celebrating, she was spiraling with worry about whether she deserved the praise, whether people would expect too much from her now, and whether she was somehow fooling everyone about her capabilities.
If this resonates with you, you're experiencing one of the most common challenges I see in my coaching practice—especially among LGBTQIA+, minority, women professionals, veterans, and individuals with disabilities. The delicate balance between projecting confidence and wrestling with internal doubt, between owning your accomplishments and staying humble, between stepping up and worrying you'll be exposed as "not qualified enough."
Here's what I've learned from coaching professionals through this challenge: the difference between confidence and arrogance isn't about how much you know or how successful you are. It's about how you relate to your own growth and how you show up for others in the process.
The Unique Challenge for Marginalized Professionals
Let's be honest about something that often goes unspoken: if you're from an underrepresented group—whether due to race, gender, sexual orientation, veteran status, or disability—navigating confidence is complicated by additional layers.
You might be dealing with:
Imposter syndrome amplified by being "the only one" in many rooms
Hypervigilance about how your confidence is perceived ("bossy," "aggressive," "too much")
Double standards where the same confidence that's praised in others is criticized in you
Perfectionism driven by knowing that your mistakes will be more visible and remembered
Success anxiety about whether achievements are "legitimate" or just diversity initiatives
For veterans, there's often the additional challenge of translating military confidence into civilian workplace dynamics. For individuals with disabilities, there may be ongoing navigation of whether to disclose, how to advocate for accommodations, and managing others' assumptions about capability.
These aren't personal failings—they're the result of operating in systems that haven't always made space for leaders who look like you or have your experiences.
Redefining Confidence: From Knowing to Growing
The biggest shift I help clients make is moving from thinking confidence means "having all the answers" to understanding that confidence means "being comfortable with the process of figuring things out."
True confidence includes:
Acknowledging what you don't know while being curious rather than defensive about learning
Owning your accomplishments without minimizing them or attributing them solely to luck
Making mistakes without letting them define your worth or capability
Asking for help when you need it, seeing it as strategic rather than weak
Celebrating success while staying grounded in your values and continued growth
This reframe is particularly powerful for professionals who've been taught that confidence means never showing uncertainty or vulnerability.
The RISE Framework for Authentic Confidence
Here's the framework I use with clients who want to build genuine confidence without crossing into arrogance:
R - Recognize Your Impact
Start tracking the actual difference you make, not just the tasks you complete:
What problems have you solved that others couldn't?
How have your unique perspectives improved outcomes?
What feedback have you received about your contributions?
Where have you exceeded expectations, even in small ways?
I - Integrate Feedback Thoughtfully
Learn to receive both praise and criticism without your ego taking over:
With praise: Ask follow-up questions about what specifically worked well
With criticism: Focus on the information, not the judgment about your worth
Seek specificity: "What made that effective?" rather than just accepting "good job"
Pattern recognition: What themes do you see in the feedback you receive?
S - Share Credit Strategically
Confident leaders highlight others' contributions while still owning their role:
Collaborative language: "We achieved this by..." while being specific about your part
Mentor others: Share what you've learned without making it about your superiority
Credit sources: Acknowledge when you've built on others' ideas or received help
Celebrate team wins: Make others' success a reflection of your leadership
E - Evolve Your Comfort Zone
Push yourself in directions that feel meaningful, not just impressive:
Volunteer for stretch assignments that align with your values and goals
Speak up in meetings when you have something valuable to contribute
Take on visible projects where your success can create opportunities for others like you
Practice failing forward by treating setbacks as data rather than verdicts
Navigating Success Without Losing Yourself
One of the most challenging aspects of building confidence is learning how to handle success—both receiving recognition and dealing with increased expectations.
When You Receive Praise or Awards:
Don't deflect with: "Oh, it was nothing" or "I just got lucky" Do respond with: "Thank you. I'm proud of the work our team put into this" or "I appreciate the recognition. I learned a lot through this project"
Don't minimize with: "Anyone could have done it" Do contextualize with: "I'm grateful for the support I had" or "This builds on work that [others] started"
When People Expect More from You:
Remember: New expectations aren't punishment for past success—they're evidence of growing trust in your capabilities.
Ask yourself:
What support do I need to meet these expectations sustainably?
How can I use this visibility to create opportunities for others?
What boundaries do I need to maintain my well-being and effectiveness?
How does this align with where I want to grow professionally?
The Arrogance Alert System
Arrogance isn't about being successful or confident—it's about losing sight of your connection to others and your commitment to continued growth. Here are the warning signs:
Red Flags:
Assuming your way is the only right way
Dismissing others' perspectives without consideration
Taking credit for collaborative successes
Avoiding feedback or becoming defensive when challenged
Losing curiosity about other approaches or viewpoints
Green Flags (Healthy Confidence):
Remaining curious about others' experiences and perspectives
Acknowledging when you've changed your mind based on new information
Investing in others' development and success
Seeking feedback actively and responding to it constructively
Staying connected to your values and the impact you want to have
Dealing with Success Anxiety
Many high-achieving professionals, especially from marginalized communities, struggle with what I call "success anxiety"—the fear that achievements aren't legitimate or sustainable.
Common Success Anxiety Thoughts:
"They're going to realize I don't actually know what I'm doing"
"I only succeeded because of [diversity initiative/lucky break/someone else's help]"
"Now everyone will expect me to be perfect all the time"
"What if I can't replicate this success?"
Reframes That Help:
Instead of: "I got lucky" → Try: "I was prepared when opportunity met effort"
Instead of: "I don't deserve this" → Try: "I earned this through my work and growth"
Instead of: "They'll figure out I'm a fraud" → Try: "I'm continuing to learn and develop like everyone else"
Instead of: "I have to be perfect now" → Try: "I get to keep growing from this new position"
Building Your Confidence Foundation
Sustainable confidence isn't built overnight—it's developed through consistent practices that reinforce your sense of capability and growth:
Daily Practices:
Keep a "wins journal" where you record daily accomplishments, however small
Practice stating your opinions clearly in low-stakes conversations
Ask one question in meetings that demonstrates your engagement and thinking
Give yourself credit for progress, not just perfection
Weekly Practices:
Reflect on feedback you've received and how you've applied it
Identify one area where you've grown or learned something new
Connect with someone whose career or perspective you admire
Celebrate someone else's success and acknowledge your role in supporting it
Monthly Practices:
Review your impact and document specific contributions you've made
Seek feedback from trusted colleagues or mentors
Set learning goals that stretch you in meaningful directions
Assess your comfort zone and identify where you want to push yourself
Your Confidence Growth Edge
If you're working on building authentic confidence, here are three reflection questions:
Where am I minimizing my contributions or deflecting recognition, and what would change if I owned my impact?
What success am I currently experiencing that I haven't fully acknowledged or celebrated?
How can I use my growing confidence to create opportunities or support for others who share my background or experiences?
Remember: building confidence isn't about becoming someone different—it's about becoming more fully yourself in professional settings.
Ready to Build Unshakeable Confidence?
Developing authentic confidence while navigating the unique challenges faced by marginalized professionals requires both strategic thinking and ongoing support. It's especially complex when you're balancing high achievement with the internal voices that question your worthiness or capability.
Through my practice, Hourglass Coaching, I work with mid-career professionals—particularly LGBTQIA+, minority, women, veterans, and individuals with disabilities—who want to build genuine confidence that serves both their success and their values. Together, we'll explore how to own your accomplishments, handle success gracefully, and use your growing influence to create positive change.
I'm offering a complimentary 30-minute coaching session to readers who want to transform their relationship with confidence and success. This isn't a sales call—it's an opportunity to explore what authentic confidence looks like for you specifically and identify concrete steps for building it sustainably.
If you're ready to stop minimizing your impact and start owning your worth, email me directly. Let's explore how to build confidence that feels genuine and serves your long-term success.
Coming Next in This Series:
Part 2: "Building Trust and Influence: Leading When You Don't Have the Title"
Part 3: "Thriving in Chaos: Managing Overwhelm and Constant Change"
Part 4: "Communication That Connects: Stakeholder Management for Personal Leaders"
